Enjoy the Process

For the third day in a row, I ran my mile.  Yesterday I took my Chow Border Collie cross Shadow who is very athletic.  He is built just like a Border Collie.  He only looks Chow Chow in color and purple tongue.  I’m not exactly sure what our time was because I forgot my watch to track the run, but from just manually timing it seemed to be about 12 minutes.  Close to my usual run.  He did great.  We did have to stop and admire a deer at one point which effected the time, but I’m not so set on beating the previous days time that I’d miss out on enjoying the beauty of nature.  Today I took my female purebred Chow Chow Maggie.  Maggie is pretty athletic for a Chow.  Maggie is also very well trained on a leash and heels quite well.  Turns out she isn’t too speedy over a long distance and our run was 13:42. I was totally bummed when I saw how far behind we were.  I’d prefer to take her since she is so well behaved, but I can’t drag her along just to improve my time.  Shadow will get another chance it seems.  I know overtime he will get better about staying on one side and not jerking my arm to chase wildlife.  He is exceptionally smart.  And he deserves some slack since he spent the first 9 months of his life in a barren backyard doing nothing.  He has had quite an exciting life since I picked him up in Michigan 2.5 months ago.  He has 3 doggie friends now, gets regular walks, professional grooming, current on all his vet cares, and a loving home.  I’ll share his very special story in another post sometime. 

I’m actually proud of myself for running 3 days in a row.  Even if it was super slow today I was still out there and I still worked up a sweat.  My medicine ball arrived today so I will be starting an ab routine in addition to the run.  I’m hopeful to do a dedicated ab workout at least 4 days a week.  

I am not super proud of myself for making 2 dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies last night and then eating 5 of them before bed.  I do forgive myself.  I can’t be perfect every day.  I can do better the next day.  Getting down on myself just leads to more destructive behaviors.  One night of bad judgement isn’t going to undo weeks of hard work. 

I look forward to making mile 4 tomorrow morning.

After 10 years of being on an array of medications for mental health disorders I was finding that they just didn’t work anymore.  All I was experiencing was the terrible side effects.  I’m going to break this down by each medication, explaining why I needed to come off of it, how I did it, and how it went.

Sleep medications

Ambien 12.5mg for sleep

• Ambien was for my crippling insomnia which started when I was working overnights as a nurse.  It helped me fall asleep quickly and wore off fast so I could still achieve REM sleep and wake up without feeling hung over.  It worked beautifully for many years at only 5mg.  Over time I was waking up after only a few hours of sleep so I was changed to 12.5 extended release.  I still was waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep.  It was making me sleep walk/eat too which is a known side effect.  I was rapidly gaining weight and was always tired.  I was so addicted to it that I couldn’t take naps to even catch up on sleep.  My body no longer knew how to fall asleep without help.  My doctor added Mirtazapine to help keep me asleep longer.  It helped a little, but I was still not achieving REM sleep.  I quit cold turkey and had to endure about 2 weeks of mostly sleepless nights.  It was rough, but completely worth it as now I am sleeping through the night almost every night and feel so much more rested since I can actually experience natural REM sleep.

Mirtazapine 15mg for sleep

• This sleep medication was never all that effective.  It was to help me stay asleep when the Ambien wore off.  All this medication really did for me was make me HUNGRY.  I gained over 10lbs in a month on it.  Quitting it was easy since it didn’t work that great.  I immediately started dropping weight.  155lbs to 145lbs in 3 weeks.  That is how bad the hunger was.  I would never recommend that medication to anyone. 

Depression medications

Abilify 2mg daily for depression

• Its hard for me to bash this medications.  At one time it saved my life.  I was suicidal when first put on it 3 years ago.  It worked so well for the first 9 months.  Then we had to keep increasing the dose until I was at 7mg daily over 2 doses.  It made me a zombie.  I felt nothing.  I stopped taking it cold turnkey 1 year ago not knowing the side effects would be brutal and pull me back into to suicidal idealization.  I had to go back on it several months later, but refused to go higher than 2 mg.  It worked and I’ve been good at that dose since.  There is just one problem with it.  I have been wanting to try psilocybin for depression.  Abilify blocks the ability to have an experience with psilocybin.  Makes sense since it’s an anti-psychotic.  I decided to try coming off of it again at the start of summer since it’s a less depressing time of year.  I’ve slowly tapered over 3 months.  I’ve had some withdrawal side effects like mood swings, but nothing like last time and absolutely 0 suicidal thoughts.  I am now 2 weeks completely off of it and feel great.  It also had the side effect of increased appetite so its been nice to not be thinking of food constantly!

Welbutrin 450mg daily for depression

• Welbutrin has been in my life for 10 years.  Never at this dose until the last 2 years, but it has been holding me together for a long time.  My PCP told me the dose is too high and I need to get it down to 300mg.  I had no problem reducing the dose to 300mg.  I felt no side effects.  Since it has not caused a problem, I plan to further reduce to 150mg daily like a normal person takes.  Then maybe I can stop it all together.  I will be consulting my mental health provider on that at my next visit. 

I remain on my prescribed doses of propranolol and Vyvanse.  Why?  Because these are a big deal to lose.  I depend on the propranolol to control panic attacks.  If my heart rate can’t get out of control then I don’t panic.  My heart rate used to hit the 150’s for seemingly no reason which would trigger a full blown panic attack.  I am hoping that once I experiment with micro dosing I will no longer suffer from random panic attacks. 

I do truly have a real diagnosis of ADD.  I really do need ADD medication to function like other people.  With Vyvanse I have energy to accomplish my tasks for the day.  The problem is I have been on it for 10 years and it is not all that effective anymore.  It works for about 3 hours in the morning and then I crash and burn.  With exercise I hope to increase my energy level and possibly be able to switch to Adderall or Ritalin.  Vyvanse sets me back nearly $400 every month.  It is the only ADD medication that works for me so I have to deal with that cost.  It’s supposed to go generic this fall. 

I would love someday to not be filling pill trays.  I would love to not be taking a handful of pills every morning.  I’ll of course still be taking vitamins, but I want to be a stranger to the pharmacy instead of a regular.  It all takes time and I’m going to enjoy the process on this too.  I’m going to cheer myself on every time I successfully lower a dose or eliminate a medication altogether. 

DISCLAIMER

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DECREASE OR STOP PRESCRIBED MEDICATIONS WITHOUT THE DIRECTION OF THE PRESCRIBING DOCTOR!  I have done this all with the blessing of my PCP and mental health provider.  It is unsafe to stop certain medications cold turkey.  Trust me, I know from experience!